The Let Them Theory
I finally finished reading the highly anticipated book The Let Them Theory! Written by Mel Robbins, a New York Times bestselling author and world-renowned expert on mindset, motivation, and behaviour change, this book has been on my reading list since its release.
What isn't immediately apparent from the book cover is the crucial second component of this theory: Let Me. The book explores various aspects of life where we can apply this transformative approach, and I'm excited to share the key insights I've highlighted throughout my reading.
The Foundation: Ancient Wisdom Meets Modern Psychology
I like that to unfold this book, Robbins connects her theory to other ancient philosophies and psychological concepts:
"Stoicism focuses on controlling your own thoughts and actions—not the thoughts or actions of others."
「斯多葛主義專注於控制自己的思想和行為——而非他人的思想或行為。」
"Buddhism and Radical Acceptance teach that suffering comes from resisting reality."
「佛教和『全然接受』理論教導我們，痛苦來自於對現實的抗拒。」
"Detachment Theory teaches us how to emotionally distance ourselves from situations that trigger us."
「分離理論教導我們如何在情感上與引發我們情緒反應的情況保持距離。」
So all these concepts direct us to one fact—"True power lies in our response."
「真正的力量在於我們的回應。」
The Two-Part Framework: Let Them → Let Me 🔑
Let Them: Accepting What We Can't Control
The Let Them component involves releasing our grip on circumstances, people, and situations beyond our influence. Let things unfold naturally. Let friends misunderstand me. Let family members disagree with my decisions. Let people laugh at my dreams. Let the bus run late. Let that person I care about be passive-aggressive. Let that boy dump me on a cold winter day after initiating the pursuit himself and saying that he wasn't just playing around, and then pulling out the "What exactly did I promise you?" and "Let's not put a label on it and go with the flow" cards (I know that's oddly specific...).
This might sound like passive resignation, but it's actually quite the opposite—it's an active choice to redirect our energy away from futile attempts at control.
Let Me: Reclaiming Your Power
The Let Me component is where transformation occurs. After accepting what we can't control, we focus intensely on what we can:
Let me cry for days because I got my feelings hurt. Let me decide whether this situation is a deal-breaker or something I can work on accepting. Let me make changes to improve my circumstances. Let me reclaim my emotional peace and personal power.
"The problem with waiting is no one is coming."
「等待的問題在於沒有人會來。」
This stings, doesn't it? Yet it's liberating. As adults, we don't need anyone's permission to pursue the life we envision or to leave situations that no longer serve us. The only permission required is our own.
"We're just looking for simple ways to be a little happier and make our lives a little better."
「我們只是在尋找簡單的方法讓自己更快樂一點，讓生活變得更好一點。」
This fundamental truth is something I often forget. Most of us are just trying to make the most of our lives—whether that means reaching our maximum potential or something as simple as making ends meet, falling in love, and building strong relationships with those we love. Our happiness is intrinsically tied to our actions, not to other people's reactions, behaviour, or opinions.
The Emotional Intelligence Component 🌊
Reading The Let Them Theory, I thought of a famous saying that goes, "It's no use crying over spilled milk." Well, to redefine the moral behind the saying after reading this book, I do believe that there's to a certain extent some "use" in crying over the spilled milk. Because while I let it be and accept the reality, Let Me be sad about losing something I was really looking forward to. Why? Because that's actually a response only mentally healthy people would have. While reading this book, I realised I've often judged myself harshly during vulnerable moments, which is counterproductive when emotional resilience is most needed.
"Most emotions will rise up and then fall away within 90 seconds if you don't react to them."
「如果你不對情緒做出反應，大多數情緒會在 90 秒內升起，然後消失。」
Like ocean waves, emotions have a natural rhythm—they rise, crest, and fall. The key is allowing this process without interference. Sometimes, there's value in fully experiencing difficult emotions rather than suppressing them. We will start resurfacing when we finally hit rock bottom. Healthy individuals allow themselves to feel deeply, then use that emotional clarity to inform their next steps.
Practical Applications: Relationships and Boundaries 💪
"The more you let other people live their lives, the better your life gets."
「你越讓別人過他們的生活，你的生活就越好。」
Ain't that the truth? Take that oddly specific no-labels-just-go-with-the-flow boy, for example. Within a month of us not talking, he officially posted his new girlfriend on Instagram, and that, my friend, was the moment I decided never again to ruin my days with any updates from him. If I had known then what I know now, if I had just let him live his life and let me live mine, I think the suffering would've been shorter and somewhat less impactful.
Same goes with that one family member I love so dearly that keeps testing my boundaries and emotionally blackmailing me. When loading their problems onto my truck became a habit, my tyres would eventually go flat since I neither have the time nor the energy to keep myself steadily on the road anymore. The fact is, some people still have a lot of internal work to do, and their behaviour isn't mine to handle. Anything that causes my mental health to deteriorate is too expensive.
This principle extends to all relationships. Whether it's someone who refuses to define the relationship whilst simultaneously expecting relationship benefits, or a family member who consistently crosses boundaries, the same principle applies: their behaviour reflects their own internal work, not our worth.
The book mentions that most adults are essentially "eight-year-olds trapped in bigger bodies." Adults avoid confrontation and give someone the silent treatment just like children run away from adults and pout in the corner. When we truly let them be who they are, we free ourselves from the exhausting cycle of trying to control the uncontrollable.
That said, we do have some influence. I saw a funny quote recently: "If you can't change a man, change a man." Sometimes, if the deal-breakers are non-negotiable, it might be faster to find a new partner! But for those worth the effort, Robbins suggests leading by example and asking questions like "What feels hard about it?" or "Have YOU thought about what you might want to do about this?" If they change, great. If not, you decide whether it's a deal-breaker or something you can accept.
💡 Tip from Robbins: If you ever encounter a no-labels person, try saying: "I love spending time with you. But I only want to invest more time and energy if we're going to go to the next level."
Reframing Comparison: From Torture to Teacher
If we compare our cards with others, it's easy to get lost in how unfair the world is. We've all heard from our Asian family saying something like, "Auntie Lu's husband came from money. He is a lawyer that makes millions a year! Their son is a doctor and he married an elegant musician wife! What a great family!"
So does comparison make our lives worse? It depends on whether you treat it like a torture or a teacher. Comparison can be either destructive or constructive, depending on our perspective. Those living the life you desire aren't there to make you feel inadequate—they're showing you what's possible. After all, other people's success doesn't diminish your opportunities; it illuminates the path forward.
"The fact is, every human being is dealt a different hand in life and you can't control the cards that someone else is holding. The more time you spend staring at someone else, the more you miss the entire point of the game."
「事實上，每個人在生活中都被發到不同的牌，而你無法控制別人手中握著什麼牌。你花越多時間盯著別人，就越錯過整個遊戲的重點。」
So what should we do instead?
"Winning the game of life requires you to focus on the cards you have and choosing what to do with them."
「贏得人生這場遊戲需要你專注於自己手中的牌，並選擇如何運用它們。」
"Other people teach you how to be a better player, and that's how you win."
「其他人教會你如何成為更好的玩家，這就是你獲勝的方式。」
Consider Robbins' beautiful metaphor:
"Imagine standing beneath a sky that's constantly shifting—sometimes clear and blue, other times filled with clouds or rumbling with storms. You've spent so much time and energy trying to keep that sky clear, wishing away the clouds, hoping for endless sunshine. But the sky doesn't care what you want."
「天空會做它該做的事——雲朵會聚集，暴風雨會來臨，太陽會在它高興的時候照耀。你無法控制它，但你可以控制你如何在它下面航行。你可以帶著雨傘；你可以在雨中跳舞；你可以在需要的時候追逐太陽。」
The Evolution of Relationships
"Just because you were best friends during one stage of your life doesn't mean you will be best friends during the next stage, and that's okay."
「只因為你們在生命的某個階段是最好的朋友，並不意味著你們在下一個階段也會是最好的朋友，而這也沒關係。」
I feel that, deeply. When I was 16 years old studying in Canada, I had two particularly good friends that made my time there wonderful. One of them got married and moved to another country a few years ago, and she has rarely responded consistently to keep up the conversations since.
The other friend—this is a bit dramatic, but long story short, my friend's sister called me a selfish person along with some swear words when I was feeling unwell once and needed my friend to drive me to the hospital in the middle of the night. Even though my friend was debating on who she should listen to for a long while, she ended up still driving me to the ferry so I could get help from another friend in the city. We never talked again after this incident.
In both cases, there's a sense of loss that our friendship has either ended or become distant. But at least, when I needed friends as a teenage girl in a foreign country, they were there to make my time incredibly memorable. So to that, I'm thankful. The rest I think I'll leave it to fate.
When I was at uni, the girl that sat next to me on my first music lesson became my friend and later introduced me to my accompanist. My accompanist then went on introducing me to several other friends I now have, but I rarely talk to my accompanist or the girl I met on my first music lesson anymore. There's no beef going on. It's just later in life they both moved away.
So my point here is, this insight challenges our attachment to permanent relationship structures. Some people enter our lives for a reason, others for a season, and a precious few for a lifetime. Each serves its purpose, and recognising this can transform grief over lost connections into gratitude for what was shared.
Cultural Navigation 🌏
Part of the reason why I enjoyed reading this book is because culture-wise, it challenges my understanding of relationships. "Piety" is what we highly emphasise in our culture, but where are the boundaries if there are any at all? "Well-rounded" is a characteristic that we value, but to what extent should we compromise to achieve that? Also, who do I put in priority? Myself or my family?
I've been exposed to both Asian and Western cultures, and I find it challenging to stand on the perfect fine line where all aspects are taken care of. I understand how I should behave in this culture, but at the same time I also know that how I'm expected to act doesn't align with the new fusion of values that I have now gained from both cultures. Both cultures have their pros and cons, and I'm still learning to find a balance.
Conclusion: The Path Forward
The Let Them Theory isn't about becoming indifferent or detached—it's about becoming strategically selective with our emotional investments. By releasing control over what we can't influence and focusing intensely on our responses, we create space for genuine growth and authentic relationships.
Next up, I'll be sharing my favourite quotes from the book that really struck a chord with me. 📖✨